Indoors without an Audience
Do we normally go through life too busy to stop and contemplate how we find purpose and recognition?
Having been an actor, I closely observe interpersonal relationship dynamics. I naturally commentate on the absence of an audience (our communities and anyone we interact with) while we are all at home to stop the spread of COVID-19. I think about why we believe our audiences’ opinions of us matter. And I think about where we want to direct our attention for the benefit of others. When are we a good audience for others?
How does it feel now that in-person interactions are on pause? Though I am relaxed at home, I miss having a reason to look sharp, act smart, and prove myself. I thrive within some semblance of community because others challenge me, give me purpose, and feedback which allows me to better myself. And I do the same for them. It is important for me to give people my attention and to make sure they feel seen and valued by me.
As an actor, my work demands being physically and mentally present, collaborative, and active and that informs my personal life too.
Is this extended time at home testing our ability to rethink our personal and professional relationships that shape our lives? How well do we actually perform in those relationships? Performance in this context is our deliberate behavior in those relationships; it assumes we are aware of how we convey our sentiments. During this time of self-isolation is it possible for us to step back, observe, and reassess our deeply rooted roles? How do we perform in these roles and what has informed the way we fulfill them?
For me, connecting to friends and family online is insufficient. I prefer hugs! As an actor, my work demands being physically and mentally present, collaborative, and active and that informs my personal life too. I value literally having my feet on the ground and sharing visceral experiences in a shared space.
It is maddening not being able to go outside and do things and meet people. For the last four years I worked from home and there were days when I did not leave the house. However, most of the time, I felt an intense need to take advantage of what was happening outside even if for a short part of the day. Living close to Tokyo was particularly luring.
Anonymity is something I seek out but self-isolation is a big adjustment. During my eleven years in NYC I cherished my anonymity. Often I was comfortable being in the city alone with my thoughts instead of having to be ‘on’ for someone. In the time I chose to spend alone, I found comfort in the company of strangers. Now, I miss the usual opportunities throughout the day to bump into people or enjoy a vibrant cafe.
It is these qualities of being an actor that has led me to analyze what is happening for me, mentally and emotionally, in isolation without the usual ways I fill my time.
We feel the negative impact of staying home as our lives are not enhanced by engaging with others, but therein lies an opportunity. We now have a separation that allows for reflection on how our communities in the workplace, neighborhood, and social circle, influence who we are. It allows us to reflect upon what we bring to interactions with others (our audience in the moment) and what we get out of those interactions, and how that defines us. Without opportunities to be physically present with each other, we can confront our identity alone.
We are forced to see ourselves more plainly while we are deprived of our usual social interactions. We are suddenly less busy; we do not have as much external stimuli or influence to distract us from critical thinking. We are not commuting to work or spending time planning our busy lives. Without errands and other obligations filling our day, it is a great time to reflect. Which communities do we value most and why? Whose opinions do we care about? How do others motivate us to perform at a higher caliber? What makes us feel seen? Why is it rewarding? Now that it is missing, how do we feel?
We begin to see what being isolated does to our self-esteem and self-awareness. Do we rely on others to fill our time and occupy our minds? In isolation do we know how to spend our time in a way that is fulfilling? Some of us have to spend more time alone than we would like. Some of us get to contemplate what it means, and what it is like, to spend this much time with our roommates or families.
How much is this confinement to our homes testing our abilities to question our assumptions? Can we rethink relationships, reframe stale thoughts, and find new perspectives on things bothering us? Are we finally putting to the test changing our behavior as the only way to change a distressing relationship dynamic? We know we cannot change someone else; we can only change how we deal with that other person.
What audience do we wish we had, and we need to find, once we can be together, in person again?
Being an actor has prepared me to be a critical thinker, self-aware, and mindful of my emotions. Playing a character in the theater forces me to observe the way I, and everyone else behaves; how we walk, talk, play, congregate, react, and contradict ourselves in order for me to mimic them realistically and interestingly on stage. I pay attention to people so that in rehearsal I can be inventive with my physicality, vocals, and relationship dynamics. Being an actor demands an awareness of how the audience sees me in order to have the right angles, lighting, and movement. It is these qualities of being an actor that has led me to analyze what is happening for me, mentally and emotionally, in isolation without the usual ways I fill my time.
How do you feel when you reflect on…
Being watched as a child/youth?
Being watched through a lens we feel is biased?
Being watched by someone with a short attention span?
Being watched by peers?
Being watched by someone who is very patient and present?
Watching someone work in a job we wouldn’t want?
Watching someone with kids/without kids?
Watching someone active/sluggish?
Watching someone suspicious?
Watching someone heroic?
It is an advantageous time to perform well for those we are with and also to listen. Remember the audiences (communities and individuals) we feel are the most important. What audience do we wish we had, and we need to find, once we can be together, in person again? Remember whom we want to support by giving them our undivided attention.
Shauna Kelly is a performance studies researcher with a forthcoming book, First Rate and Rigorous: The Theater Artists of Richard Foreman. Find more at Framedperformances.com.
